I think I’ve had a case of the mad reds (Breakfast at Tiffany’s reference) and I’ve turned on everything and everyone that I love.
The mad reds are quite a bit worse than the boring old sad sorry blues. You’re mad at everything because you don’t understand what you’re afraid of, you see red all around you and your heart simply can take any added stress. But when you finally get through the mad reds and skip past the sad blues, life seems a bit clearer, like putting on a pair of glasses for the first time. Everything is crisp and fresh and new. You understand where your fear came from and what triggered your anger. With this understanding you discover ways to move forward, to fix things.
Or at least you’re on your way to figuring out exactly what you want to change and why you’re so afraid.
And that’s exactly where I’m at.
On Tuesday night I squished into a booth at Kelsey’s with five girlfriends from high school — you might remember my post about cutting them out of my life. I came across that Audrey Hepburn quote (on Instagram) mere hours before I went for dinner with them and couldn’t get it out of my head. I forgot how relaxing a night out with the girls can be, I forgot how much fun I have with these girls, I forgot how much we made each other laugh, and it was nice to get to know them all over again. By the end of the night I realized that I didn’t throw anyone out, we just took a break and somehow turned into adults. We’ve found our way back as a group and that’s OKAY. In fact, it’s actually pretty wonderful. We might not see each other all the time, we may lead completely different lives, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for one another.
There’s a certain confidence and pride that comes with learning to cherish and appreciate your family and friends. There’s a calming agent in knowing that if you put the effort into a relationship or friendship you’ll never be lonely. I went through that whole “I’m twenty and it’s time to be selfish” phase (doesn’t everyone or just me?) but now I’m finding more pleasure in the things I do for others than the things I do for myself. I’m finding a different kind of happiness in being around people that I didn’t know I could feel. I’m more open than ever when it comes to going out and doing things and enjoying the moment.
I’ve never felt so free, so content, so inspired.